Socially living with CMT continued

2583_1112590137331_1304229188_30330927_7939951_n The next months were some of the best in my life. Times like these were what I had been aimlessly searching for, and my time was now. Still yet, I had the rather large task of keeping my health – specifically CMT, a secret from the love of my life. Masking my daily functions is a big deal, but it was worth the pain and discomfort to me. Our days usually consisted of talking. Some days we planned picnics and fishing trips. All in all, it was most wonderful, but the pain was still present, tossing me around, controlling my life and causing me to hide truths about myself, but worth enduring just to see her smile.

I definitely had stronger feelings for her but I struggled to keep them at bay, because certain circumstances applied. We both had voiced our opinions about a relationship, and both agreed that just staying “friends” was what we both wanted. She had just left a nasty relationship and I had been bouncing around with no happiness in sight. When we spent time together things just seemed perfect. I didn’t want to accept this at first, but I really could not fight off my feelings for her. After a few weeks had past with some quality time invested I saw a perfect opportunity to stake my claim. I knew, deep down, this could be a big mistake on my behalf. What if she said no? What if she didn’t feel the same way as me? These two questions were beating me up inside so I decided to bite the bullet.

Knowing she planned on returning to Florida in a few months I took a huge risk. Finally one day, I just swallowed, took a deep breath and looked up at her and said, Minda, (I paused), will you be my girlfriend? She was shocked, I’m sure, hearing that question coming from me after I had clearly stated I was just not interested in a relationship at the time. She looked up at me, smiled and said, “Yes!” Wow, I have yet to ever describe that feeling accurately but, if I had to I would use one word, it would be AMAZING! That night I was riding a high and feeling the best I had felt in years. Later on that night she said, “I never thought you would ask!” I thought to myself, if I had known you felt that way, I would have asked a long time ago! I knew this was the girl for me, never second guessing the decisions I had made.

After a few weeks, I decided to move in with her and her family so we could spend more time together. This was definitely an easy decision for me to make but, on the other hand my health and worries were extremely hard to hide. I constantly considered how I would do things so no one would ask about my feet. Even so, the occasional question would come up, someone asking me, “Why are you walking like that?”, or, “Did you hurt your foot?” I would quickly respond in a way so the question would be forgotten. These stressful thoughts often clouded my mind, distracting me from the important things happening in my life. Still, I was very adept in masking my pain and hiding my physical decay.

I kept a bandage and ointment close to me and my feet pretty much all the time, always keeping my feet hidden as to avoid questions about them. The pressure ulcers were becoming larger and much worse when they reoccurred. I counted on my family members to obtain my oral antibiotics used to treat the infections in order to avoid the doctor visits that would blow my cover for sure. Anymore, I was terrified for someone to even say the word “doctor.” But the pain was unbearable at times, sleep was almost nonexistent, and plain and simple, my life was deteriorating. Yet I had plans for Minda and me. I was determined to let nothing stand in my way, not even my sickness.

I was becoming really overwhelmed by everything happening at work and at home. My job was physically demanding and left me drained by the end of the day, not even wanting to be social at all. My feet hurt so badly, by the end of each day I found myself sitting down and thinking of any excuse to stay home. Pretty sad to tell you the truth, I was once a very social guy, on the go all the time. Now, I felt useless and non-deserving of the special person God had blessed me with.

After a few years together, we moved into a house we could call our own, home sweet home. We spent many hours working on our new home, we were so proud and feeling accomplished. Painting, sanding, and cleaning were very hard for me to do. Moreover, I was always dreading even a walk outside to the mailbox. I was in a lot of pain. Even so, some days were better than others. It was during this time we became engaged and started planning dates, looking forward to the big day. My life was coming together yet at the very same time, falling apart and nobody knew this but me. I felt completely alone yet I had tons of love and support all around me. My decisions were becoming my demise but, I had so much to live for and a great person in my life who would do anything to keep me safe, if only I would be honest with myself and with her, and let her into my secret, pain filled world so she could help me.

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